This person, who I’ll call, “Chuck,” is a classic example of what psychologist Karen Horney (whose work on relational styles has greatly inspired my thoughts on how we connect with one other) would call someone whose dominant relational style is to “Move Against People.”
How do you know if you’re a “Move Against?”
My guess is you already know it … and you’re proud of the fact that you get things done! You’ve probably discovered that you get your way early and often. If you want to eat Chinese food today, you and everyone else in the office will probably eat Chinese today-even if the others wanted Italian.
I bet you sometimes get impatient at the others who seem “wishy-washy,” or who want to spend so much flippin’ time talking everything to death, looking at every option, considering every angle, when the right answer is so obvious to you-and all you want to do is “charge the hill “and “get it done!”
The Bad News
The negative effect of the Move Against relational style is that the people around them feel run over, bulldozed, hammered, manipulated and controlled, like I did with Chuck.
I have found that one of the biggest “connection killers” is the need to control others. Whenever someone feels controlled the natural tendency is to disengage from the person-which is not a great strategy for building a good relationship!
Think about it…have you ever had a micro-managing manager?
Did you enjoy that experience?
The Good News
Now that I mentioned the bad-the good news is that there are times when we need to Move Against someone. When someone has to take charge and lead, make the tough decision or choose to go somewhere or do something that no one else wants to.
Once I understood where Chuck was coming from and how best to communicate with him~I developed a good working relationship with him. His Move Against style meant that he always got done what I needed him to get done, and I never worried about the work!
In the future we’ll give you tips on what to do if you are a Move Against person or if you’re trying to find a way to find peace with the Move Against people in your life. In the meantime, if you’re a Move Against from person, allow room for other people to take the lead and get their way! If you’re not a Move Against from person, don’t be afraid to assert yourself in ways that don’t do damage to the relationship. Don’t worry we’ll talk about those too! (Or you could hire me to work with your teams. Shameless plug!)
The goal for us relationally is to be able to move within the relational styles as the situation requires~and not to be stuck in one default mode all the time. In other words, our goal should be for relational balance…and we’ll talk more about that in future posts.
Are you a “Hammer?” What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? What is your effect on other people? Do you care? (=