Did you watch The Lego Movie? (Can you tell I have a child?) The central character in The Lego Movie is a guy named Emmet. And Emmet is the perfect example of the third relational style that Karen Horney (whose work has inspired my thinking on how we relate to one another) would call “Moving Towards People.” I call it “The Pleaser.”
In this scene from The Lego Movie, a group of construction workers (Emmet among them) are leaving the work site. They all are trying to figure out what to do after work, and Emmet tries to work his way in somehow.
Construction Worker #1: When you’re part of a team! Wooh! Yeah! I’m going to the Sports Bar after work tonight. Who wants to eat some delicious chicken wings and get crazy!
(As the other constructions workers start to leave together, Emmet is left behind and tries to get their attention)
Emmet: Chicken wings! I love chicken wings!
Construction Worker #2: Yeah, who wants to share a croissant with this guy?
Emmet: Croissants! I love croissants!
Construction Worker #3: Oh, yeah! I sure do love giant sausages!
Emmet: Giant sausages! No way!
(No one seems to notice Emmet, no matter how hard he tries)
Later on, when one of this co-workers is asked what he knows about Emmet, this is how he responds, “And I mean, all he does is say yes to everything everybody else is doing.”
The Nice Guy
When you interact with Pleasers you’ll often think that they are some of the nicest people you’ve ever met. After all, they agree with you on everything…so if you’re someone who loves to get his/her way, you’re going to love the Pleaser, because s/he will give you what you want all of the time. Sounds good, right?
The price is they may not tell you what you need to hear, when you need to hear it, because they don’t want to upset you. So when the emperor is strolling down the street buck naked without any clothes on, the Pleasers will not be the ones to say, “Dude! You’re nude!” (Like the rhyme?) And there are times when we need people to call us out on our stuff, right?
The price Pleasers pay is that they often sacrifice their well-being for the approval of others. Every time you give up your voice, your point of view, your thoughts, your ideas, to try and mold who you are to someone else’s idea of what you should be you lose a little (or a lot) of yourself each time.
Plus you might be depriving the people around you of what they need from the honest, authentic and true YOU!
The other price you pay, if you’re a Pleaser is that the people around you will eventually feel the WEIGHT-and it is a weight, of your needing their approval, their validation, and their recognition as often as you do. While I know this isn’t your intent, you may come across as “needy” and “clingy” to those around you who don’t share your relational style (and even those that do!) and the people around you will eventually get tired of being around.
If you’re a Pleaser…
I want you to take the courageous steps of:
(As the other constructions workers start to leave together, Emmet is left behind and tries to get their attention)
Emmet: Chicken wings! I love chicken wings!
Construction Worker #2: Yeah, who wants to share a croissant with this guy?
Emmet: Croissants! I love croissants!
Construction Worker #3: Oh, yeah! I sure do love giant sausages!
Emmet: Giant sausages! No way!
(No one seems to notice Emmet, no matter how hard he tries)
Later on, when one of this co-workers is asked what he knows about Emmet, this is how he responds, “And I mean, all he does is say yes to everything everybody else is doing.”
The Nice Guy
When you interact with Pleasers you’ll often think that they are some of the nicest people you’ve ever met. After all, they agree with you on everything…so if you’re someone who loves to get his/her way, you’re going to love the Pleaser, because s/he will give you what you want all of the time. Sounds good, right?
The price is they may not tell you what you need to hear, when you need to hear it, because they don’t want to upset you. So when the emperor is strolling down the street buck naked without any clothes on, the Pleasers will not be the ones to say, “Dude! You’re nude!” (Like the rhyme?) And there are times when we need people to call us out on our stuff, right?
The price Pleasers pay is that they often sacrifice their well-being for the approval of others. Every time you give up your voice, your point of view, your thoughts, your ideas, to try and mold who you are to someone else’s idea of what you should be you lose a little (or a lot) of yourself each time.
Plus you might be depriving the people around you of what they need from the honest, authentic and true YOU!
The other price you pay, if you’re a Pleaser is that the people around you will eventually feel the WEIGHT-and it is a weight, of your needing their approval, their validation, and their recognition as often as you do. While I know this isn’t your intent, you may come across as “needy” and “clingy” to those around you who don’t share your relational style (and even those that do!) and the people around you will eventually get tired of being around.
If you’re a Pleaser…
I want you to take the courageous steps of:
- Saying “No!”
- Voicing your opinion, however unpopular
- Setting and honoring your boundaries
- And being okay if people don’t like you and/or something you say or do.
